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break between classes..  
11:05am 19/08/2010
so I'm at the apartment, home for "lunch." is it bad that in the past few days I just shove food down the garbage disposal to make my roommate think i've eaten? I used to do that a lot at home and it's coming back now.

Lately I've been super good at it and she's not catching on at all. I'll "make" something.. then just put it down the garbage disposal. and I make sure to "dirty" dishes and leave them with a little food remnants in the dish washer or sink. I make sure to leave wrappers and food containers on the top of the garbage can in plain sight along with apple cores, peach nectarine and plum pits. Also, something I've found out works really well. I "eat" cereal a lot and just take it up to my room with me while I'm doing homework or whatever. Then I just let it sit there until it gets really mushy then flush it down the toilet. That way she doesn't get too suspicious about the garbage disposal going all the time.

But I feel bad, I feel like my whole life is a lie right now. I'm lying to Matt about eating, my friends, my roommate (not directly), but still..

I just cannot eat. I'm on too much of a high right now. It feels so amazing. But I still see so much fat and it NEEDS to go away. I'm so scared that the scale will go up even 0.1 lb if I put any kind of food into my body.

I'm going to go running tonight though with a friend.. hopefully I survive.

back to class soon..
have a good day everyone!!
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first day of class :)  
08:39pm 18/08/2010
so the first day of class was really good. I love all of my classes and my teachers.. well I think. My history teacher has potential to turn out as kind of a douche.. but we'll see. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now. He wore a oatmeal colored suit to class.. I mean, come on. really? And he assigned a 52 page reading assignment with a quiz over it in the morning and a quiz over our syllabus at the same time. What an ass. He kind of acts like he's hot stuff and the best thing that ever walked the planet, and he's definitely not. He's not even halfway cute. All my other teachers are super good and really funny so far though..

my day was really good for the most part though.. I did soo much walking though!! holy crap! I mapped it all on mapmyrun.com and it was 4.7 miles! for walking to class and around campus doing stuff, that's a lot.

I didn't eat again though.. but I had 3 cups of coffee this morning (hence the hour of sleep i got last night.. but coffee is my morning staple before class anyway though) with a little milk and sugar. and 2 low cal gatorades.. well I guess I'm still working on the second one.

I might eat tomorrow, but I dono.. haven't decided yet. When I eat I feel like I ruined everything then I take it out of control lately.. so I really don't want that to happen. So maybe just avoiding the situation altogether is for the best.

I gotta get to gettin homework done though.. then I'm taking some nyquil and going to bed EARLY!! I need sleep soo bad.

I only have an 8-8:50 and 12:30-1:45 tomorrow though, with a chiro appointment in the middle at 9:30.

hope yall had a good day
goodnight and sweet dreams
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can't sleep..  
03:05am 18/08/2010
so it's past 2:30 and I can't sleep worth anything. I've been laying here since 10 and it's pointless.

drinking the 2 cups of coffee I drank at 6 was a horrible idea. I was so cold though.. my roommate loves the ac wayy too much. When I was here alone I kept it on 78/79. Now she has it on like 74, and I'm constantly freezing. It's crazy how much of a difference 4-5 degrees can make. The temperature is one thing we constantly argue about. But she always tells me that I can put more clothes on but she can't take anymore off. Last year there was one night I slept with 2 pairs of sweatpants, a t shirt, sweatshirt and 5 blankets on my bed I was so cold. I just hope it doesn't get any hotter out so she leaves it where it is. Any colder and I might freeze to death.

which reminds me.. they keep the buildings on campus ice cold. so I need to bring a jacket to class tomorrow or I won't be able to pay attention at all. Last year I had a chem professor that was at least 300 pounds.. he had that room so cold everyday that I would literally sit there and shake for 50 minutes 3 times a week. That was completely miserable. Hopefully this semester it's not quite that bad..

I hope tomorrow goes alright.. especially now that I will be going all day on less than 3 hours of sleep and no food. I might should put a granola bar in my backpack in the morning just in case I feel like I'm going to pass out, though I don't want it being there to be an excuse to eat it.

ughh.. I just want to sleep!!
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last day of summer..  
09:34pm 17/08/2010
today was the last day of summer. Sad, but it needs to happen. I'm actually really ready for class to start.. I'm ready to be really busy again. And I definitely will be tomorrow. I have class from 8-8:50, 10-10:50, 12:30-1:45, and 2-3:15 then a chiropractor appointment at 3:45. It's gonna be a long day. I'm really excited for my medical terminology and health promotions classes. I think they will be really fun and I love learning about that kind of stuff. It's what I'm good at..

my day was pretty good. it was busy which was good. I got up and got ready and everything, then went to the store to get more stuff for the apartment and new hairspray :) I'm so addicted to Big Sexy Hair products it's amazing :) then I did stuff around here and took a nap. I slept so good it was amazing, I woke up and had no idea where I was I was sleep soo deep. I'm still tired though, so sleep is coming soon.

I didn't eat at all though. I had 1 1/2 low cal gatorades and 2 cups of coffee with a little milk and sugar.

No food is starting to catch up with me again.. but it's all worth it. It's crazy how this jittery shaky faint feeling gets so addictive- it's like a high.

I need to get to sleep though.. I have to be up super early for class.
Goodnight and sweet dreams
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wow today sucked  
10:56pm 16/08/2010
I b/p-ed twice today. TWICE. I don't think I have ever done that. Considering my binges are what most people would call a normal meal or less.. some people wouldn't be too worried. but I freaked out.

binge number one was around 1 pm. I was planning on not eating again today but then for some reason I walked by the kitchen into the laundry room to look for a screw driver to put my new desk together. What the hell was I thinking.. I saw a peach laying in the fruit bowl on the counter and for some stupid reason thought it would be alright to eat. Once I ate it I felt horrible.. so I figured that I just ruined my whole day, why not eat a little more then just throw everything up like I used to.. so I ate another peach and a bowl of cereal. Wow I was so incredibly full.. that is how much my stomach has shrunk. So I went upstairs to my bathroom and threw everything up. By the end the back of my throat was bleeding and my eyes were incredibly puffy. It took purging then waiting a few minutes then doing it again to get everything up.. at least I hope it was everything. I was planning on going back and trying to get more out but then my roommate got here early.

binge number two happened around 6. I was soo hungry, so I ate a plum. Which turned into a salad and a bowl of cereal and four crackers and yogurt and a small glass of sweet tea. My roommate was still here, but I was going to have to shower and get ready to go out anyway.. so that was perfect. I would go in my room and shut the door and turn the water on and act like I was going to shower. But Callie needed to use my ironing board, and she chose to use it in my room. I was freaking out thinking about how the calories could be being absorbed. So I tried to occupy myself as much as I could until she was done. Then I had just gone in the bathroom and was about to start purging when she knocked on the door to tell me that her and her fiance were leaving. I was soo close to getting caught. Once they were gone I threw up for what seemed like forever again. The back of my throat was bleeding again and my knuckles weren't in too good of shape. At least it wasn't horrible.

I hate b/ping. I hate not knowing if I got everything out or not. It just about kills me every time. I can't stand knowing that the food is still in my body just waiting to make me fat and gain weight.

but anyway.. I went out tonight. Nothing too exciting happen.. in fact nothing at all. Went over to a friends and hung out with them, then went to another friends and hung out with them. And now I'm back at my apartment.

I have a huge urge to b/p again. But I can't. Callie and her fiance just got home.. and I do not need to get caught or gain any weight from food I didn't get out.

I just need to go to sleep before the day gets any worse.

Goodnight and sweet dreams
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tuesday the 24th is the day..  
11:46pm 15/08/2010
So I managed to talk Hannah into letting me go until next Tuesday to start therapy. She wanted to do it tomorrow, but I told her it was just too soon, and asked if we could do it next week instead. We were going to do it Monday- but my Mondays are horrible for class so Tuesday is the day..

I am so incredibly nervous. But Hannah will be there with me.

Brett and I talked a lot again tonight. His past is just.. wow. He's been through a lot and is still going through a lot. It's just so nice to find someone who understands what's going on in my head that I can talk to in real life.

Maybe once I start therapy I can start group therapy too.. that way I can get to know people on campus that I can relate to. I just know it could be really triggering for me.. I'm so competitive that I don't want it to turn into a "who's sicker than who" thing for me.

I'm already doing that right now anyway.. my whole reason for not going to therapy until next week is so I can lose as much weight as I can before then. I will prove that I'm sick enough.. it's gonna be a tough week. but I can do it.. I'm strong enough for this.

But first I just need to make it through the night. I have the worst urge to go run forever and purge right now. I don't even have anything in my stomach to purge. All I've eaten today was a piece of toast Hannah made me eat this morning around 10:30. I've had some gatorade since then, but that's it.

So I guess I'm just gonna work out some then go to bed. Since it's 11:45 and pitch black out it wouldn't exactly be wise to go running right now.

Goodnight and sweet dreams

oh.. I just remembered.. Callie gets here tomorrow. I really don't want her to move back in. I just want her to stay away so I can starve myself in peace without her saying anything or telling me to eat. All it will do is extremely piss me off and make me want to starve and purge even more. At least I have my own bathroom attached to my room so I can purge anytime I need to.
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people know..  
04:03pm 15/08/2010
We partied again last night.. I drank wayyy too much rum and coke, plus a shot of vodka and a shot of peppermint schnapps. I don't remember everything that happened.. I was so incredibly drunk..

But apparently one of the guys called me fat because they thought it would be funny. It was not funny. Apparently I started crying and had an emotional breakdown then soon after went into the bathroom and started throwing up (partly because of the alcohol, partly because I knew I needed to throw up). So I just kept shoving my fingers down my throat and throwing up violently. My two best friends down here kept telling me to stop and I said "but I'm good at it, I'm so good at it" then everything just came out. They asked if I was bulimic and I said that I wasn't but I'm anorexic. Then they asked if I'm bulimic when I eat, and I said yes.

WHYYY do I always spill my guts when I'm drunk. Secrets are no longer secrets when I get drunk.

Hannah and Lindsay weren't the only ones in the bathroom though. Crazy gorgeous guy named Brett (one of Hannah's friends I had just met a few hours earlier) was in there taking care of me too.

Come to find out he used to be bigger.. and has lost 40 pounds by pretty much being anorexic. We had a huge heart to heart. He knows pretty much everything. We talked for pretty much forever about everything, keep in mind I was still drunk, about to pass out, after throwing up for like an hour.

So we left the party, I was carried to the car and then into Hannah's apartment. Then I finally got to lay down.. Hannah gave me some phenergan to get me to stop throwing up. I was just so nauseous that I kept shoving my fingers down my throat, and they kept holding my hands down.

All I kept saying is that I don't want to go to inpatient and that I need to get help.

So Hannah Lindsay and Brett are going to help me get help. We talked about it in the morning, and even though I'm scared to death.. it's for the best. Hannah wants to go tomorrow.. but I'm not thin enough to go yet. I just want another week to lose.. then I'll start therapy and everything.

And Brett and I made a promise that if I get better, he will too. We're going to do this together. I'm going to be alright, and I'm going to get better. I know I need to be more positive than this, but... wow this is going to suck.

Hannah Brett and I are hanging out again tonight.. just no alcohol this time. Movies and just chillin together. Hopefully it'll be a good night.

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tired and in a pissy mood,, here goes the venting..  
02:16pm 13/08/2010
first of all.. my post last night on ed recovery..

you don't have to read it, it'll just give a little background about what I'm talking about..Collapse )

so I had my chiropractor appointment this morning, then after that I broke down and went to the store and got some food, along with some school stuff I needed. I got dannon light & fit yogurt, skim milk (for the cereal I already have), a box of whole wheat penne pasta, turkey breast, strawberries, nectarines, plums, a bag of baby spinach, and 2 bags of spring mix lettuce. I know it's all healthy.. but it really felt like a lot.

So I ate a plum and a thing of yogurt for lunch.

I know Callie is going to say something about only healthy stuff in the fridge when she gets here on monday.. she always does. I wish she would just give it up. I'm never going to eat unhealthy- that's just the way it is. She can buy her fatty shit and get fat if she wants to.. that's her own problem. I will NEVER let myself do that.

And im so tired of all the skinny jokes and people just saying that I'm skinny in general.. ugh I don't even want to be around people because of it. So hopefully tonight there are no skinny comments at the party I'm going to. Even my chiropractor made a comment about it today.. it was my first appointment and I have really bad back injuries (the medical history of just my back alone is about 5 miles long)- so he wanted to take x-rays just like every other doctor and back specialist i've been to. So they had to measure parts of my back and sides.. and the chiro said to one of his nurses "she's so skinny we're going to have to do something different with a couple of these xrays"

ok.. honestly. I'm not even that thin. I'm a size 1-2. There are tons of girls in the world that are a 1-2, what makes me different that people have to comment on it all the time?? AHHHHH!!! I just want to scream.

Maybe I should just get super thin again, that way they can actually have something to talk about. 1-2, thats nothing.. but a 00 again, that's something!

I know I don't want to do that though.. I'm just pissed off and exhausted. I'm so tired of everyone.

I need a nap, or I'm gonna be a very interesting drunk tonight.

Partying with the group, I can't wait!! I'm gonna get wasted, and it's gonna be a good time

Needless to say.. I won't be writing tonight..
Hope yall have a good rest of the day!!
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missin him somethin terrible awful  
12:32am 12/08/2010
i just miss Matt. that's just the way it goes. everyday little things I miss doing with him.

like tonight.. i walked in the door, walked up the stairs to my room, changed, then went into the bathroom to take my makeup off and brush my teeth before bed. i miss brushing our teeth together, then knowing that while I'm taking off my makeup he's laying in bed waiting to wrap me up in his arms until I fall asleep.

I think we're actually talking more now that I've been gone though. which is a very very good thing. we're going to need that good communication to stay strong for each other until we see each other again in october. it's just still not the same though..

today was good. I unpacked all day, and still have some left to do!! it's never ending. I got invited to go to the same party I went to last night again.. plus some people and minus a few others. I just wasn't so sure about it.. i really just don't want to put myself in any bad situations.After talking with Matt about it (he would never tell me what to do and told me he was fine with me going again, but just asked me to be safe) I decided I would only go if I didn't drink.. but I still had a bad feeling about it.  So I made other plans to go out to eat at the grill with some friends. It was 4 of us girls and two guys (both gay). gosh i have the most amazing gay guy friends. I love them to death!! We had a super fun waiter, who ended up nick naming me sweet tea. yes, i am definitely addicted to sweet tea.. and I hadn't had it since I left here in june. but we're all super addicted to sweet tea, so he ended up just leaving a pitcher full on the table at all times. He would joke and laugh with us and was a super nice guy- so needless to say he got great tips- like 50% from me and almost the same from everyone else.

then we hung out for a little while after and played a game.

and now I'm back here, about to go to sleep.

tomorrow: planning on going onto campus to change my major, finishing unpacking, then girls night with hannah!! Drinking wine, watching movies, facials and nails. sounds like a plan to me.

I'm off to bed.. hopefully I'll have amazing dreams about Matt again tonight like last night :)

goodnight and sweet dreams everyone
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I'm finally here!!  
09:39am 11/08/2010
I got here around 8:20 last night.. almost exactly 13 hours of driving. It's supposed to take just over 12, but there was insanely amounts of road construction EVERYWHERE on the way down here.

as soon as I got here Robert met me at my door, we got a bottle of wine out of my car and walked over to his apartment. I didn't even get time to unload anything. Needless to say we got a little drunk. as many of you ed girls have probably experienced.. not weighing a whole lot does not help the getting drunk process.. well, maybe it helps a little too much. barely anything and I'm like gone. Mikes can get me drunk- now that's sad. and I guess it didn't help that i barely ate anything on the drive. a peach before i left home, a peach around 1 and a bag of skittles around 3. along with 3 12 oz sugar free red bulls and a diet coke along the way.. i couldn't hold my hands still by the end of the drive. they were shaking like crazy lol. but i had to stay awake!!

so I planned on just staying at the party last night so I didn't have to try to make it home. but there were a lot of drunk guys.. I now remember why I don't drink with many straight guys. They get much too touchy touchy. That is definitely NOT alright with me- the only one that gets to be that way with me is Matt. One of the guys was like "Kristen come sit on my lap" "Kristen I want a kiss on the cheek" blah blah blah. and I was like NO, i have a boyfriend, I have a promise ring on my finger, and I'm about to get engaged, there is no way that is happening. When I would sit down he would try to put his arm around me and put his hand on my leg and all that.. NO. So I flashed my ring and was like "LOOK, promise ring.. it's not happening" then he asked me to hold out my hand so he could see it, so I did. then he tried to take it!! needless to say I got pissed and instantly decided that I was going back to my apartment to sleep. So one of the sober guys walked me back home (we were at the apartment complex next to mine so it wasn't far) and I wasn't that wasted anyway. everyone tried to tell me I was gone, but I knew I wasn't. trust me.. if I can power walk with no assistance back to my apartment.. even through a little bit of woods and then once I get home unload almost my whole car (it was packed completely full with big heavy suitcases) by myself- I am not that wasted.

But I have to admit, i did make myself throw up some once I got back.. purely just to sober up faster. So I really don't count that as purging at all. I knew I still had a lot of alcohol in my stomach that hadn't gone through my system yet, and I didn't feel like being drunk the rest of the night. And it worked. (keep in mind this is only like 11:15 at night when I came back) so i did a few things around the apartment and got ready for bed.

Now it's time to unpack.. it's going to be crazy. wish me luck, lol.

hope everyone has a great day today!!
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