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it's finally the weekend!!  
02:09am 21/08/2010
no food again today. I just can't bring myself to eat. I feel bad for lying to Matt, the man I'm going to marry, but I really don't want to make him mad by not eating. and I don't want him to be disappointed in me. so I tell him everyday that I ate just enough so I know he won't say much.

my ex text me tonight to tell me he was back in the country. I have no feelings left for him (even though I know he does for me), but we're still friends. He's special ops in the Marine Corps so he lets me know when he comes and goes just so I know I guess. He could tell just from a text that something was really wrong with me. He figured out everything that was going on so we text about it for a little while. I know he still cares about me and worries about me, but that's not his place anymore. He made a big mistake when he cheated on me and I caught him. We broke up and that was the end of it. It wasn't a good relationship most of the time anyway.. and really, a special ops Marine and an anorexic girl isn't really a good match. Way too much worrying coming from both sides.. and worrying for a Marine means distraction.. and a distracted Marine is a dead Marine. And just worrying all the time if he was going to be coming home alive, that was enough to make my eating disorder spiral out of control like crazy. But he realizes that Matt and I are about to get engaged, and he respects that.

I had an amazing phone call from Matt again tonight though :) gosh I miss him. The distance sucks, beyond belief, but we're making it work. I miss absolutely everything about him. Just 6 weeks and 4 days until I get to see him again. Words cannot describe my excitement to see him or how much I love him. He is my everything. He truly is my other half.. he makes me, me. :)

Went to a party tonight though.. it was pretty fun. Didn't drink a single drop- drinking would be such a bad idea right now. I have had nowhere close to enough food this week to drink.. considering I haven't eaten in how many days..? But everyone noticed that I was quieter than usual.. I just blamed it on the drinking. But I know it's because I'm in my little eating disorder hole again. It's where I feel safe, it's where I feel like I belong.

When I walked in this douche bag guy James said "wow Kristen you look like you're 10 pounds less than when I saw you last" just to be mean. He was being an asshole to everyone there (the girls at least) so I said "No, but I lost 7, and I still have 10 to go" but I said it super sarcastic so he had no idea if he should take me seriously or not. So I called him a asshole and got up and walked away. He deserved it.

Before the party I stood in front of the mirror forever and just stared at my body. I really wonder, will I ever be pretty enough for myself? will I ever be thin enough for myself? will I ever think I'm truly beautiful and actually really believe it?

Right now I don't think so.

But I'm exhausted
still need to do an ab workout quick before I go to bed.
goodnight and sweet dreams everyone
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