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break between classes..  
11:05am 19/08/2010
so I'm at the apartment, home for "lunch." is it bad that in the past few days I just shove food down the garbage disposal to make my roommate think i've eaten? I used to do that a lot at home and it's coming back now.

Lately I've been super good at it and she's not catching on at all. I'll "make" something.. then just put it down the garbage disposal. and I make sure to "dirty" dishes and leave them with a little food remnants in the dish washer or sink. I make sure to leave wrappers and food containers on the top of the garbage can in plain sight along with apple cores, peach nectarine and plum pits. Also, something I've found out works really well. I "eat" cereal a lot and just take it up to my room with me while I'm doing homework or whatever. Then I just let it sit there until it gets really mushy then flush it down the toilet. That way she doesn't get too suspicious about the garbage disposal going all the time.

But I feel bad, I feel like my whole life is a lie right now. I'm lying to Matt about eating, my friends, my roommate (not directly), but still..

I just cannot eat. I'm on too much of a high right now. It feels so amazing. But I still see so much fat and it NEEDS to go away. I'm so scared that the scale will go up even 0.1 lb if I put any kind of food into my body.

I'm going to go running tonight though with a friend.. hopefully I survive.

back to class soon..
have a good day everyone!!
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