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11:38pm 24/08/2010
so my boyfriend and I talked again tonight. he's still trying to figure all of this out. I commend him for trying as hard as he is.. I know he's desperate to try to understand what is going on in my head. But we were talking about some stuff, and he kind of raised his voice a tiny bit with me again. He instantly knew what he did. When I get upset/feel hurt and even when I get mad, I just get super quiet. And he realized that instantly and apologized over and over. I just know he loves me so much, and this is incredibly hard for him

But right before we hung up so he could go to bed... He told me that he will never give up on me, and that he will do whatever it takes to help me get better.. no matter how long it takes. And he also told me that none of this could ever make him love me any less.

it felt so amazing to hear those words from him. that took a lot of my worrying away instantly.

but last night he asked me everything I hate about myself, but I never said anything specific.. so I'm going to make a list.. here it goes..

my legs.. especially my thighs. gosh I even hate that word. it makes me want to throw up
my thighs
my thighs
my thighs.. they are soo fucking FAT!!
my stomach- my 6 pack will never be good enough no matter how ripped it is
that little stomach pooch thing every girl has right under their belly button, why won't it ever completely go away!?!?!?!?
my love handles
that place where your arms connect to your body and when you wear strapless dresses the fat bunches and sticks out
my arms
my hip bones are not even.. one sticks out farther than the other so my body is not symmetrical
my face is not symmetrical either.. one side is fatter than the other, and one side goes back at a different angle than the other

basically, any part of my body I can completely critique and rip apart.
gosh I hate my body.
and I'm terrified I won't drop weight for tomorrow.

all, ALL i want is for that scale to go down!!

off to bed, I'm exhausted. and I have an 8:00 in the morning.. :(
goodnight and sweet dreams
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(no subject)
06:51pm 25/08/2010 (UTC)
Sounds like you have a very awesome, supportive, wonderful boyfriend :) I'm glad that you have someone in your life like that.

I have a similar list & feelings about my body as you do so I feel hypocritical telling you that you should love your body but I'm going to say it anyways lol because it's true, love yourself, you're wonderful! we're in ed_recovery together, we should help each other out :) Hang in there girl, you're beautiful & it sounds like you have someone you need to stick around for & loves you for who you are :)
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