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11:38pm 24/08/2010
so my boyfriend and I talked again tonight. he's still trying to figure all of this out. I commend him for trying as hard as he is.. I know he's desperate to try to understand what is going on in my head. But we were talking about some stuff, and he kind of raised his voice a tiny bit with me again. He instantly knew what he did. When I get upset/feel hurt and even when I get mad, I just get super quiet. And he realized that instantly and apologized over and over. I just know he loves me so much, and this is incredibly hard for him

But right before we hung up so he could go to bed... He told me that he will never give up on me, and that he will do whatever it takes to help me get better.. no matter how long it takes. And he also told me that none of this could ever make him love me any less.

it felt so amazing to hear those words from him. that took a lot of my worrying away instantly.

but last night he asked me everything I hate about myself, but I never said anything specific.. so I'm going to make a list.. here it goes..

my legs.. especially my thighs. gosh I even hate that word. it makes me want to throw up
my thighs
my thighs
my thighs.. they are soo fucking FAT!!
my stomach- my 6 pack will never be good enough no matter how ripped it is
that little stomach pooch thing every girl has right under their belly button, why won't it ever completely go away!?!?!?!?
my love handles
that place where your arms connect to your body and when you wear strapless dresses the fat bunches and sticks out
my arms
my hip bones are not even.. one sticks out farther than the other so my body is not symmetrical
my face is not symmetrical either.. one side is fatter than the other, and one side goes back at a different angle than the other

basically, any part of my body I can completely critique and rip apart.
gosh I hate my body.
and I'm terrified I won't drop weight for tomorrow.

all, ALL i want is for that scale to go down!!

off to bed, I'm exhausted. and I have an 8:00 in the morning.. :(
goodnight and sweet dreams
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even though i ate, still dropped weight today :)  
02:35pm 24/08/2010
so even though i ate last night and was terrified to get on the scale.. I did.
and it was amazing.
I didn't gain, I LOST!!
I hadn't lost in the past 3 days.. I was at this awful plateau.
the scale finally read 105.2, HELL YEAH!!!
only 8.2 pounds to go :)

plan for the rest of the day..
go to walmart and get a few things.. i hate spending money. but I need celery and yogurt and decaffeinated tea for at night when I'm freezing and can't drink coffee.

side note:  I WISH MY ROOMMATE WOULD TURN THE AIR OFF!! or at least not have it on so high.. she sees me walking around in sweatpants and sweatshirts all the time, but just tells me she can't take anymore clothes off and that I can put more on.. COME ON!! IT'S FREAKING AUGUST IN MISSISSIPPI! IT'S ALMOST 100 EVERYDAY!! THERE IS NO WAY I SHOULD BE IN SWEATS!!

thenn...come back here and do a little homework
possibly eat a little something?
go to my chiropractor appointment
come back here and get changed
go work out :)

hope yall are having lovely days
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broke my fast  
09:35am 24/08/2010
so I broke my 9 day fast last night
I was going to post last night, but I got like a paragraph in and gave up.. I was so uncomfortable because my tummy was so full, and I was just incredibly exhausted from the day
as of earlier in the night i wasn't going to.. but then i finally made an appointment to go back to therapy. which I told Matt. As far as he had known I was doing pretty alright, eating a little bit everyday at least.. but last night everything came out. We talked forever about everything.. it started out with me telling him about therapy then giving him this website to go to to read something that might help him understand my eating disorder a little more. I was in tears just thinking about telling him everything. He seemed really upset at first but then cooled down. I even ended up telling him that I haven't eaten in 9 days. That was a little bit of a shocker to him to say the least.
So he begged me to eat. I ended up having a bowl of cereal, 1/2 of a plum and 2 bites of yogurt. I got so full so fast. My stomach shrunk soo much. I was so incredibly uncomfortable that all I wanted to do was purge, but I knew I had to keep it in me. So I just went to sleep.

I am so scared to get on the scale this morning.
I know I might cry.
He still doesn't completely understand.. he has no idea why I do this to myself.
Which makes him get really frusterated.. I hate seeing him like that.
So why the hell do I do this to myself!?!?!?! .. and to him.
Like really.. I'm killing the man I love on the inside.. all for my selfish reasons.. but I can't quit.
Meanwhile he's 14 hours away and can't do anything about it.. not even hold me, or hold my hand while I'm eating like he used to..

Please help.. I have no idea what to do.
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considering eating..  
11:27am 23/08/2010
I'm considering maybe eating today. today will be day 9 of fasting. my body and brain function absolutely suck, and I just feel like I'm constantly going to pass out. Walking to class is almost more than I can take right now.

I'm just scared that if I do eat a little something, I'll remember the taste of food, and it will be like my dream.. I'll eat everything in sight. I am so torn and so scared it's almost bringing me to tears. But that's probably just my emotions going crazy from not eating. I'm so constantly upset and pissed off. I hate it. I'm usually so bubbly and happy.

I need a nap desperately bad.

but I have to go back onto campus in about 20 minutes, then I have class until 3:15. then I have a chiropractor appointment at 4. damn chiropractor.. getting in the way of my plans! I have have have to take a nap before I go work out tonight. or I surely will pass out on the elliptical.

off to learn more random crap :)
hope yall are having wonderful days
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06:02am 23/08/2010
holy crap.. so lately I keep having nightmares about eating food. last night I had the worst one yet. I woke up in a panic not knowing if it was real or not.. but at least this one I was out with friends at a restaurant eating. so I knew it was just a dream.

gosh I hate those dreams. I just want them to stop. I seriously wake up in tears crying or almost crying every time. and I'm not a cryer.

well.. off to get ready for class and another day of no eating..
It;s my goal not to collapse or faint today. :)
I haven't done it yet, in the past week at least, but I know it's coming sooner or later.
I just hope I'm alone when it happens.

hope everyone has a great day!!
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don't even know..  
09:12pm 22/08/2010
i didn't post last night like I said I would, I was just too exhausted and in too much pain. gosh I forgot the pain of fasting. It is almost unbearable.. the muscle cramps, the headaches, I constantly see little flashing flickering lights.. my body function has gone to hell.. along with my brain function.

I can barely remember what I'm doing half the time.. I lose my train of thought so easily and am so easily distracted. concentration is almost non existent.. so we'll see how class goes tomorrow, especially since it's a monday and I have 5 classes.

I've been working out like crazy though. both last night and tonight: 20 minutes on the elliptical, 35 minutes on the bike, 10 minutes of running, and a 5 minute cool down. I feel like i'm going to fall over.

i'm going to bed though, after I talk to matt first..

I need sleep so bad.. i just hope I can sleep tonight. my body is absolutely exhausted.
goodnight and sweet dreams everyone

p.s. my scale quit working. my brand new freaking scale. I am so pissed. I have no idea what I weigh right now and it is driving me insane!! i hope it magically works again by the morning!!
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feeling like I'm in distress..  
05:21pm 21/08/2010
my weight was up this morning.. I have no idea why. I didn't eat anything, but i drank more gatorade than usual. maybe that's why?

I freaked out when I saw that number.

I've kinda just been running errands and doing stuff around the apartment all day. I think I'm about to take a nap then I'm going to go to the sanderson (the rec center on campus) and work out for a while, then hopefully if it cools down a little bit I'll run a tiny bit out on the trails. Running has been making my knee so sore though. Any kind of a hill is so painful.. and running down it is almost worse than up just because of the impact and how my knee is put together now. (they completely reconstructed the medial side of my left knee so it does not work anywhere close to normal anymore.. first they did a lateral release and a medial plication, but when that didn't work they took out one of my hamstring tendons, drilled a hole all the way through my patella and in the medial side of my knee and attached the tendon in both places. Then they advanced my VMO muscle (the main muscle in your quad that attaches to your knee) over and rerouted it so instead of going straight into my knee it is attached to both holes that the tendon is attached to. All in attempt to keep my knee from dislocating again) So therefore I have a lot of medial pull, which sucks for running down hills. It is painful. Very painful.

So I'm going to do the bike and elliptical today, then if i feel alright I'll find somewhere flat to run.

I'm gonna sleep quick while my ipod is charging. but i have a few things to talk to yall about tonight..

hope everyone is having a wonderful day
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it's finally the weekend!!  
02:09am 21/08/2010
no food again today. I just can't bring myself to eat. I feel bad for lying to Matt, the man I'm going to marry, but I really don't want to make him mad by not eating. and I don't want him to be disappointed in me. so I tell him everyday that I ate just enough so I know he won't say much.

my ex text me tonight to tell me he was back in the country. I have no feelings left for him (even though I know he does for me), but we're still friends. He's special ops in the Marine Corps so he lets me know when he comes and goes just so I know I guess. He could tell just from a text that something was really wrong with me. He figured out everything that was going on so we text about it for a little while. I know he still cares about me and worries about me, but that's not his place anymore. He made a big mistake when he cheated on me and I caught him. We broke up and that was the end of it. It wasn't a good relationship most of the time anyway.. and really, a special ops Marine and an anorexic girl isn't really a good match. Way too much worrying coming from both sides.. and worrying for a Marine means distraction.. and a distracted Marine is a dead Marine. And just worrying all the time if he was going to be coming home alive, that was enough to make my eating disorder spiral out of control like crazy. But he realizes that Matt and I are about to get engaged, and he respects that.

I had an amazing phone call from Matt again tonight though :) gosh I miss him. The distance sucks, beyond belief, but we're making it work. I miss absolutely everything about him. Just 6 weeks and 4 days until I get to see him again. Words cannot describe my excitement to see him or how much I love him. He is my everything. He truly is my other half.. he makes me, me. :)

Went to a party tonight though.. it was pretty fun. Didn't drink a single drop- drinking would be such a bad idea right now. I have had nowhere close to enough food this week to drink.. considering I haven't eaten in how many days..? But everyone noticed that I was quieter than usual.. I just blamed it on the drinking. But I know it's because I'm in my little eating disorder hole again. It's where I feel safe, it's where I feel like I belong.

When I walked in this douche bag guy James said "wow Kristen you look like you're 10 pounds less than when I saw you last" just to be mean. He was being an asshole to everyone there (the girls at least) so I said "No, but I lost 7, and I still have 10 to go" but I said it super sarcastic so he had no idea if he should take me seriously or not. So I called him a asshole and got up and walked away. He deserved it.

Before the party I stood in front of the mirror forever and just stared at my body. I really wonder, will I ever be pretty enough for myself? will I ever be thin enough for myself? will I ever think I'm truly beautiful and actually really believe it?

Right now I don't think so.

But I'm exhausted
still need to do an ab workout quick before I go to bed.
goodnight and sweet dreams everyone
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so incredibly tired this morning..  
07:04am 20/08/2010
I'm just exhausted. I tossed and turned from 3 on. Then i finally slept like the last half hour until my alarm went off. And now I'm completely exhausted again.

But I only have to make it though two classes today.. and I really don't care what I look like for class.. so I'm just gonna shower quick, throw on a tiny bit of makeup, put my hair up, make my coffee and leave.

Theater and psychology this morning. Maybe I can figure out why I'm so messed up on my own? Ha. I highly doubt that.

Then I have to go buy the rest of my books (which will probably be between $400-500) wow I hate spending money on books. Especially when you get barely any money selling them back, and if they need to change even just like two words in the book they make a whole new edition and make that edition required, therefore you can't even sell the book back. People who make/write college text books are idiots (or geniuses, depending on how you look at it.. I CHOOSE TO CALL THEM IDIOTS BECAUSE THEY TAKE MY SHOPPING MONEY, AND THAT'S MEAN!!).

Then I can finally come home and take a nap. And Callie will be gone. And it will be the weekend. Perfect. :)

Off to another day of no eating.. which will make 4 days. Plus Monday I purged everything I ate, and Sunday all I had was a piece of toast because I was hung over. So pretty much 6 days kind of. Amazing :) I know it's a sick, but this is like a challenge for me and gives me the biggest high. I don't need food like the others. I can be perfectly fine without it. It's like.. "How long can I go without it?" I love it, but I shouldn't..

Hope everyone has a great day and a great weekend!!
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10:01pm 19/08/2010
didn't eat again today.. 4 cups of coffee and 2 gatorades. I did some fake eating though.. my roommate is clueless. and I hope it stays that way.

then tonight I went on a run.. 3 miles. I didn't run the whole thing though. My knee was killing me so bad so we walked and talked part of the time. Plus I kept getting cramps. In my feet, in my right calf, in my ab (not a side ache, a cramp) in my shoulders. huge lack of potassium... not to mention every other vitamin and mineral ever to exist. but I still can't bring myself to eat. It terrifies me.

Callie will be gone for the weekend though. She'll leave right after class tomorrow so I'll have the apartment to myself. I won't have to fake eat all weekend. Though I might have to get rid of some food so she thinks I ate it. But at least I won't have to be all sneaky about it.

I'm exhausted though and I don't feel very good at all.. I feel like I'm going to throw up.
so I'm going to sleep.
goodnight and sweet dreams everyone

p.s. I added a class today. I only had 15 hours and I need a fine arts class eventually. So I added intro to theater to make 18.. wow that is sooo not me lol. My brother was exceptionally good at theater but me.. no way. But Hannah is in that class so hopefully with her help I'll survive :)

Night :)
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